A Day In the Life
5:30 am I have to go to the restroom and my brain says, “It’s time to get up.”
I am very groggy and angry. I’ve been angry for several days, I suspect hypomania, and the grogginess makes it worse.
I try to get some things done for my business, Lauren Weds, a
wedding officiant business. But my head is not in the game.
6:30 am My husband gets up and I’m a complete bitch to him because I’m so
7:15 am I go back to bed hoping that more sleep will help with the grogginess and the bitchiness.
8:30 am I wake up and have a different attitude. I feel like I can accomplish
some things today. I text my husband to apologize for being
9:00 am Pin on Pinterest for my business and this blog.
9:30 am Read about High Functioning Autism (HFA) to learn more about
my son’s illness. I’ve been afraid to read more about it because I
thought it would make me feel worse. But it actually helps me
feel better to know the facts and what I can do to help him.
10:30 am Read some of “Furiously Happy” by Jenny Lawson. This book is an
hilarious account of living with a mental illness. I highly
11:00 am Text my therapist to see if he has any openings this week
11:15 am Take a shower. A dreaded task that I tackle at least every other day.
11:30 am Do some cleaning.
12:00 pm Wake my son up and fix lunch for him.
12:15 pm My therapist calls and I make an appointment for later in the week.
12:30 pm Read some more of “Furiously Happy”.
1:00 pm More work for Lauren Weds (scheduling client meetings, putting
together Welcome Packets, sending ceremonies to couples).
1:45 pm Go out for some retail therapy (the amount of money I spend goes
up as my illness gets worse).
3:00 pm Group Therapy. I approach Group Therapy, which occurs weekly, with a mixture of relief and anxiety. The therapist (the same one I made the appointment with) that runs the group asks us each to name three characteristics that others would use describe us. My three characteristics are weird, funny and sarcastic. I express that I don’t like being thought of as sarcastic, but many people have attributed this characteristic to me. I will obsess about this the rest of the day.
4:30 pm Group ends and I drive home.
4:40 pm Get home and my husband is home from work and has a migraine.
He’s had them off and on (sometimes for weeks). I’m irrationally
angry because I had begged him to take his med for migraines
earlier in the day and I’m convinced that, if he would have done
this, he wouldn’t have such a terrible migraine now.
5:00 pm I go out and pick up dinner because I don’t have the energy or
inclination to cook. I’ve been doing this a lot lately and its costing
us a small fortune. I always start the day with the intention of
cooking dinner, but it seldom happens these days. I am not a good
cook and have a very limited number of recipes I can make. The
thought of learning recipes makes me feel frustrated and angry,
5:45 pm My son, husband and I are done eating takeout. We watch “Mystery
Science Theater 3000”, which lifts my mood a bit.
6:45 pm We watch “At Home With Amy Sedaris” and this makes me laugh.
8:45 pm We watch part of “A Night You Will Forget For the Rest of Your Life” with Steve Martin and Martin Short. My husband and I went to see the live show of this and loved it. This makes me laugh really hard,
which I desperately needed.
9:30 pm Time for bed. I strap on my chin strap that keeps my mouth closed
and my CPAP (Continuous Positive Air Pressure) mask because,
among my illnesses, I have sleep apnea.
10:00 pm Still not asleep. For the first time in several years, I’m having trouble
falling asleep. This is really foreign to me as I’m used to taking my
night meds and conking out.
10:30 pm I look at the clock again and can’t believe I’m still awake. Is it the
hypomania? (The same thing that causes my anger and irritabililty)?
10:35 pm I’m finally asleep.
Going through the day angry and irritable makes me feel like a bad person. I know I have an illness, but I’m tired of being helpless to change my mood. I know some would say, “Well just choose to be happy.” If I could do that, I wouldn’t have spent the last 37 years being in various states of mental illness. But I do FEEL like I should be able to control my moods better. I think this is one of the more insidious parts of being mentally ill; feeling like you should be able to think your way out of a particular mood state. I can control the way I respond to events, but that control isn’t very strong. Years of treatment-resistant depression and bipolar disorder II have left me weak.
If you feel bad about your moods, try not to get down on yourself. You’re doing the best you can. I know that if there were a way to change your mood, you would be doing it.
I hope that seeing what a day in my life looks like will help you feel better about your life and to see that others struggle too.